Yesterday was my birthday.
I guess I set the bar too high. I wanted to be with the people I love. It hurt to not be around water. Billiards was okay. Drinks were okay. Games were okay.
I wanted them to go and they did.
All I did was cry.
Today I want to cry. I think there’s something wrong with me. No matter what I’m doing I seem to crave more–something else? I don’t want to be dysfunctional. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I’m letting myself down by existing like this.
I thought it could be special. I thought that giving meaning to something insignificant would fill this hole within me. I think I was made wrong. Or maybe somewhere along the way I became wrong. Ill? Unable? I don’t know the answer. I feel like I’m wasting my life. And for this I blame myself. Not my environment, not the situation, not the people in my world.
I am the problem. If I am the problem, I must be the solution. I spend so much time looking for the solution I know does not exist. But I exist. I am here. It just doesn’t seem like it.
There has to be more than this.
I was not made to suffer. I don’t accept that. I may not have been chosen for great things, but I refuse to believe that this is all there is. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming. There has to be something else. It doesn’t have to be better, but it needs to be different. I deserve peace. I long for satisfaction. I crave fulfillment.
I know these things, these feelings, I know they are out there somewhere. I know that this earth is difficult, I know they don’t come for free, no one will give me these things–they have to be found. Earned? I will not find what I so desperately seek in a person or a place. I have to make my own comfort. Look within and unlock relief. I simply don’t know how.
I’ve grown weary.
I’ve become collateral damage in this war against myself. I know what I want. I have to keep faith that I will reach that state of being, but I am standing in my own way..
I want to walk without myself. I want to swim and climb and fly far away from myself–somewhere I can’t hear my own thoughts. I want to separate the shame, the fear, the dread and the doubt. I want to put all of my negativity in a box and bury it so far away that I forget where I left it.
I want to feel joy without measuring it. I want to go to sleep without worry. I want to wake up without anger. I want to exist beside my pain–not within it.
It sounds so simple on paper.
It seems so easy.
I’ve told myself these things for so long now that I ought to feel better, I should have learned by now.
I don’t know how to turn it off.