you’re very charming, but you make me nervous

I’ve been having serious problems with my internal “fight or flight” lately. I want to fight so many people, so many things, so many wrongs. I don’t feel like I’m allowed. My greater instinct has always been flight–I have wings for a reason. I want so desperately to leave it all behind. I don’t want to die. I just want an out. Not an easy out–it’s never easy–I need to escape.
I know my Inner Child is angry.
Perhaps more angry with me than the situation or the environment. I think I feel the same way that I have for a long time–angry. Hurt.
A deep internal fire, not muchness, but a rage fueled by pain and fear.
She wants me to save myself.
I want to try for her, for me..
I’m lying when I say I don’t know how.
I am not very honest of late. With others or within myself. “It’s a self-preservation thing”. But in the end it’s more about hiding. I don’t want anyone to know what’s truly going on. My face is easy to read, my language is a carefully calculated scheme.
Keep them happy.
Charm them, entertain them–that way they won’t ask questions and you never have to bare yourself. Protect them from what is inside of you while you tear yourself apart–and blame them for it.
I am a hypocrite.
I resent them for upsetting me after I gave them the “how to” book. It’s easier to blame them for never reading between the lines.
I play this game. This test?
I know that it’s me.
I am the destroyer of my own world, yet I never change my tune.
Resentment. Resentment pointed inward. “You are the only light there is for yourself, my friend”.
I’m so good at pretending.
It’s getting harder to fool myself.
I want to be real.
I want to be myself without lies or burdens.
I want to take the weight off my shoulders and throw the unwritten expectations of others out the window.
I want to draw proper lines. Set true boundaries.
I want to uphold them. To respect myself again.
I want to keep myself as safe as I’ve tried to keep all of them.
It is so much scarier to face myself, my life, than it is to simply hide away.
No one can see you when you hide–if it’s dark enough, you can’t even see yourself.

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