i’ll wear a cloak made of mirrors so they will only see themselves

“Don’t let anybody tell you that you’re safe”
I feel so trapped in my body (and my mind, but that’s for another page).
In my long and arduous journey to make peace with my physical form, I’ve hit a wall. I preach so often about loving–worshipping yourself to everyone I see. It took me a little too long to truly find comfort within my skin. It used to be about me.. I didn’t look right, I wanted something different in the mirror–it was never for or about anyone but me.
It’s curious to see how my perspective has changed. I had become so used to hiding myself, disguising myself, I didn’t want to see any part of me. But now..
Now it aches in a completely different way.
I fear that I’ve given up a part of myself–a little less control, less safety. I still take far too long to get dressed. When I change my clothes at least three different times before I leave the house, I don’t think about anyone but myself.
I want to be comfortable.
I want to feel true.
Most days I can achieve that now, better than I ever had before.
The problem is no longer in my head or in the mirror.
The problem is other people.
I know enough to understand that this will never change–but my tolerance is wearing thin.
I don’t often show a lot of skin.
I enjoy pockets and longer pants.
I am thin.
My chest is lacking femininity.
I understand that what I look like, how I present myself, and how I carry myself are usually conflicting. But I do not get dressed–I do not exist for anyone but myself.
I dont want people to look at me.
I dont want to hear the same “lighthearted” or “flirtatious” comments about my size or my chest.
I am more than this small body and I am not for anyone.
I don’t want it.
I don’t feel safe.
I don’t feel comfortable.
I want to return to hiding.
I fought for so long to love myself..and almost everyday I go outside I am reminded that it doesn’t mean anything.
I am angry with people I know, I am angry with strangers. All I can do to fix it is disappoint and shame myself for simply trying to exist.
“You gotta let go, let go, child”

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